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I’m starting to wonder if making captions for photo’s of Bill Pullman is funnier than this entire blog post, but I’ll carry on regardless…

I’m starting to seriously psychoanalyze my lust for the ‘older movie star’ which has made me wonder why (for the love of GOD) I find these people attractive. It’s the kind of thing that comes up when I’m sitting around having a natter with the girls and they list off the same people I would usually say, such as Channing Tatum, Tom Hardy etc. But I always bamboozle myself when I come out with ‘Bill Pullman is such a dream boat’ and they all look at me like I’ve taken a sip of my drink in a round of ‘never have I ever’ for example: ‘Never have I ever…Found Bill Pullman attractive’.

Let me be clear, if Bill Pullman came up to me now and said ‘Hey, Lilly,want to have sexual intercourse with me?’ the answer would 100% be no for the following reasons: He’s old, that wouldn’t happen and I don’t ever fantasize about having sex with Bill Pullman. I like the characters he plays, and he plays them so well that I actually believe he’s an attractive guy. He technically isn’t an attractive guy and he actually looks like a boring old twat.

Bill looking smug as fuck while he fingers a bowling ball.

This is my attempt to inform and convert the readers of this obscure confessional post that, although Bill is a bit of a shitty name (no offence Bill), he got a whole lotta’ game  (This game only applies in the following films).

Spaceballs (1987) 

Lone Starr showing off his large glowing cock

When Princess Vespa runs away from her wedding and runs into conflict with Dark Helmet, Bill Pullman comes to the rescue wearing an outfit that any father would hate to see walk through his front door while blasting out Bon Jovi. He proceeds to piss the princess off, call her ugly, boss her around and get her kidnapped, so why is he so irresistible in this film? Cause he’s an intergalactic badass, that’s why.

He’s essentially playing the same part Brendan Fraser plays in The Mummy; slightly criminal and completely closed off with a tinge of sexual awkwardness, but ultimately a good guy deep down. It also helps he isn’t stupidly old in this film, but he’s one of those people that always looks old so I guess it doesn’t help my case. He makes jokes in Spaceballs and jokes are funny…right?

Shit.

While You Were Sleeping (1995)

Sandra Bollocks gets all the guys.

Sandra Bollocks gets all the guys.

His brother is in a coma and if I’m honest, I didn’t give a fuck – I only cared about Bill’s happiness and if he would eventually live his dream of making his own furniture. Bill plays Jack in this amazingly cute film about a lying deviant loner who manages to obsessively fantasize about a man she hasn’t ever spoken to or met (pot calling kettle black). This man gets pushed onto the tracks and plummeted straight into a hanus coma for the rest of the film and Sandra Bollocks is pushed into the family fold over a case of mistaken identity which she does nothing to resolve; she just eats their food, takes their Christmas presents and fucks Bill Pullman. However, when he loops his sexy Bill fingers around his jeans like he’s doing in that picture, can you really blame her? or me? So why is he so great you ignore the coma brother and overlook Sandra’s awful behavior? Because he takes an interest.

Not as fun as the last reason but I think the reason he’s managed to con me into thinking he’s amazing in this film is because he takes an interest in everything Sandra Bollocks does. I’ve been in relationships where I walk into the room totally naked with a dildo stuck into my arse and my boyfriend is lying on the bed  relentlessly picking his nose and watching Ice Road Truckers and therefore not paying attention to me, or my dildo blocked anus. I can guarantee that Jack/Bill would stop picking his nose, turn off Ice Road Truckers (even if they were about to go along a mountain side road), ask me how I was feeling and crack a joke while he looped his Bill fingers around my tits and treated me like the fucking lady I am.

Ice Road Truckers can get to fuck. Hand me that dildo!

Ice Road Truckers can get to fuck. Hand me that dildo!

He’s also kinda hot in Independence Day (1996) and Lake Placid (1999) but that was when he was getting a bit haggard. One thing I will say is, he’s definitely not hot as Walter in Sleepless in Seattle – I’m glad Meg Ryan dumped his allergic ass.

If I breathe through my nose too fast I die.

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6 thoughts on “Why Is Bill Pullman Attractive?!

  1. Pingback: Independence Day (1996) – Film Review | ireckonthat

  2. You could not have summed up my feelings for Bill Pullman any better. He is an exception for me because he is about 25yrs older than my usual type yet I still find him attractive even though he looks old… only difference is that, shamefully, I probably would sleep with him if he asked haha.

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