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Passengers (2016) was one of many anticipated Christmas blockbusters. The trailer led us to believe that this was going to be Titanic in Space Odyssey. With the combination of national sweetheart, Jennifer Lawrence and national sweet cheeks Chris Pratt – Director, Morten Tyldum should have been onto a winner. He didn’t really do it. There will be spoilers.

Passengers was not Titanic in Space Odyssey, it was more like The Notebook in a confined space. Despite being set on a ship big enough to make a whale gawp in wonder, somehow it still managed to feel claustrophobic and creepy.

Chris Pratt plays our unlucky ‘hero’ Jim Preston who joined 5,257 other earthlings on a voyage to the planet Homestead Colony, in search of a new life. Unfortunately for Jim, his hibernation pod malfunctions and he is awoken 90 years early. Leaving him entirely alone.

So, my  real issue is that I had no idea he was pottering around this gigantic ship for a year. It didn’t feel like he toiled and suffered enough. He grew a beard, walked around naked and went a bit nutty – I gauged that it was a hard time for the guy. He read up loads of stuff about these hibernation pods and really tried his best to figure out a solution. To no avail. He was lonely and emotionally challenged. He wanted a friend.

Here’s a curve-ball rhetorical question for you; when Jim figured out how to wake people up, why didn’t he wake up any of the crew members? Maybe an engineer? Someone a bit useful. Someone savvy in the mechanics of hibernation pods.

Jim makes decisions with his Johnson instead of his brain and prematurely wakes up Aurora Lane (Jennifer Lawrence). After seriously considering suicide, he drunkenly hits his head and stumbles upon her. He obsessively watches her videos. Talks to her while she is asleep. Talks about her to Arthur the robot (Michael Sheen) for months. He menacingly pleads with himself in the mirror to not wake her up, while shaving off his beard and preparing to do exactly that. It’s all very ominous. He probably masturbated over her pod a few times. Having someone to bang for 90 years is better than dying alone. Anyway, she would get over it eventually, right?

In true, The Notebook fashion, the ‘creepy guy’ romantic lead is back. Why does this keep happening?

I was eager to watch this movie because the trailer promised something so much more. It promised a tense thriller of man vs. machine. Battle of the wills. Love that defies all odds. It also had Arthur face planting a bar – my favourite movie trailer moment of 2016.

Arthur_faceplant.gif

What it gave us was a soppy half-baked romance, built on ethically questionable foundations. It was uncomfortable to watch throughout. Jim and Aurora did discover a severe malfunction on the ship and ultimately save the lives of everyone on board. That was  just underwhelming action with too much drama. It brings me back to my earlier point of getting someone else on the case. Someone that can fix the problem without being a Pratt.

The loved up fucktards decide to stay together for the remainder of their lives, alone on a ship, planting trees and having sex.

Which leads me to believe the moral of this story is: two of the worst people travelling to Homestead Colony took one for the team. They saved the rest of the passengers from impending death and saved them the hassle of having to endure their ridiculous relationship.

I didn’t like it, basically.

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